


wish you were sober

by soleil_louise



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Arguing, F/F, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Making Out, Songfic, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, literally just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28560171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soleil_louise/pseuds/soleil_louise
Summary: Trixie had gotten dragged along to yet another party with Katya. She didn’t even like going to them. She hated the noise, hated the smell of alcohol, hated being stared at by people who barely knew her, let alone liked her. She was only there for Katya, who had disappeared to “get another drink” over half an hour ago.conan gray - wish you were sober
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	wish you were sober

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I in no way wish to demonize addiction with this fic !! It's mostly a Vent tbh. I love Katya with everything in my heart and truly do not mean to demonize ANYONE in this story. <33

_This party’s shit, wish we could dip_

_Go anywhere but here_

Trixie had gotten dragged along to yet another party with Katya. She didn’t even like going to them. She hated the noise, hated the smell of alcohol, hated being stared at by people who barely knew her, let alone liked her. She was only there for Katya, who had disappeared to “get another drink” over half an hour ago.

This wasn’t an irregular occurrence. Katya would beg Trixie to come to these parties with her, and Trixie would agree, only for her sake. Katya almost always abandoned her halfway through, until she needed a ride home at the end of the night. Trixie sipped on the one beer she was allowing herself tonight.

_Don’t take a hit, don’t kiss my lips_

_And please don’t drink more beer_

The idea of a one beer allowance was something completely alien to Katya, who always got completely trashed at parties. That was the entire point of going, she had explained to Trixie once. Getting drunk was just part of the fun, they were teenagers, damn it.

Trixie couldn’t agree less- nothing sounded less fun to her than being drunk. The idea of not being in control of her body terrified her. What if someone tried to attack her, and she wasn’t able to fight them off? What if someone put something in her drink? What if she got hurt?

_I’ma crawl out the window now_

_‘Cause I don’t like anyone around_

_Kinda hope you’re following me out_

_But this is definitely not my crowd_

Trixie desperately wanted to leave. It was 11:30, she was tired, and her feet hurt from the heels she had squeezed them into. Her dress was uncomfortable, and it was way too loud here. She could barely think over the blasting music. How were they not getting noise complaints?

She knew she couldn’t leave, though. She had to be there to make sure Katya was safe. She had to drive them home, and she would never forgive herself if Katya had gotten in the car with a stranger, or worse, tried to drive herself home. God forbid something happened to her. Trixie couldn’t bear the thought of her best friend getting hurt, no matter how many times Katya hurt her. 

_Nineteen but you act twenty-five now_

_Knees weak but you talk pretty proud, wow_

_Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed_

_Take me where the music ain’t too loud_

It wasn’t that Katya was just drinking to be irresponsible. It made her confident. Happy, even. No matter how awful it was to say, Trixie didn’t think she’d ever seen Katya as happy as she was when she went to parties. Sober, she was an anxious wreck. Always scared to say the wrong thing, always worrying about what people thought about her. Drinking helped her loosen up. It made her feel like she felt like she could do anything.

Trixie had brought up how unhealthy that was to her once. Katya had gotten defensive- saying that it’s not her business how she helps herself. Trixie was a mess of anxiety as well, Katya was just the one doing something about it. She had apologized almost immediately, but it still hurt. Trixie now knew better than to try to solve her problems.

_Trade drinks but you don’t even know her_

_Save me ‘til the party is over_

Katya hadn’t always been so reckless. The first few times, she just got tipsy. But as time went on, she got more and more reckless with it. Drinking at parties turned into drinking after school. Two drinks turned into three, turned into five, turned into more than Trixie could count. Dancing with her friends turned into doing things she knew she’d regret, if she remembered them by morning.

This made Trixie so angry. She just wanted to yell at her, tell her that she was ruining her life. Katya could end up hurt, or worse. Trixie feared the day that she heard about a drunk driving accident on the news, or the night that Katya ends up in the wrong place with the wrong people at the end of a party. She just wanted to protect her, but she didn’t know how.

_Kiss me in the seat of your rover_

It had happened after one of the first parties they went to. At least, that was the first time it happened. They had driven Katya’s car there. At the end of the night, Trixie drove Katya home, and that’s when it happened.

Katya’s mouth tasted like vodka, cigarette smoke, and red lipstick, but Trixie didn’t care. Katya kissed with a hunger that Trixie had never experienced before. They made out in her car for nearly half an hour, until Katya had tried to take it further and Trixie had to break it off. There was no way she was gonna do anything more than kiss Katya right now, while she was drunk and Trixie was most definitely not.

That one time turned into two, turned into three, turned into almost every party they went to. It almost always ended with Katya pouncing on Trixie, and Trixie giving in. No matter how upset and tired Trixie was at the end of the night, Katya always felt like safety and warmth.

_Real sweet but I wish you were sober_

Katya never remembered it the day after it happened. If she did, she never brought it up.

Trixie always remembered. God, did she remember. Those moments played in her head over and over every night. The things she felt for Katya were more than just drunk makeouts in a car. More than just flirty glances. She wanted to hold Katya, wanted to make her feel safe. She wanted to kiss her during the day. Hold her hand in public. But Katya never remembered. Sometimes it felt more like she was _choosing_ to forget.

_Tripped down the road, walking home_

_You kissed me at your door_

It hurt Trixie more than anything to know that Katya only felt that way towards her when she was drunk. To know that no matter how in love with her she is, Katya will never feel the same way. Almost every night, she lay awake, wondering _why_. Why wasn’t she enough for Katya unless she was drunk? Was she just another drunk hookup for her, another pretty girl to kiss and then ignore? Why didn’t she want her?

_Pulling me close, begged me to stay over_

_But I’m over this rollercoaster_

Even more than she felt hurt, she felt angry. She tried, time after time, to show Katya how in love with her she was. She had been trying for years. But she never cared. Never wanted her unless she got wasted first. Trixie put so much effort into being good enough for her. She dragged herself to these parties, had practically begged Katya to hang out with her. But it was never enough, was it? _She_ was never enough.

_I’ma crawl out the window now_

_Getting good at saying “gotta bounce”_

_Honestly you always let me down_

_And I know we’re not just hanging out_

Katya barely even wanted to see her anymore. Rarely answered her calls, never met her for lunch like they used to. She had better friends now, better things to do. People who weren’t smothering her, people who weren’t “too much”. Trixie barely saw her outside of parties at this point, and even then, Katya usually abandoned her halfway through, until she’d show up and try to make it up to Trixie by making out with her.

_Nineteen but you act twenty-five now_

_Knees weak but you talk pretty proud, wow_

Katya just got to have all of the fun, didn’t she? She got to lead Trixie on, kissing her at parties, holding on to her waist like she was _hers_. She didn’t have to deal with any of the guilt, or the responsibility, or the insecurity. She just got to do what she wanted, and have what she wanted, and she knew Trixie would hand it over to her at any moment.

Why did she do that? Why did she always give in to her? Trixie knew that she would just be nothing to her the next morning, but she made the same mistakes every night that they went out, kissing the girl she was so hopelessly in love with until her brain turned to TV static. She just wanted Katya to care about her. To love her, to take care of her the way she deserved.

_Trade drinks but you don’t even know her_

_Save me ‘til the party is over_

She was going to give Katya a piece of her mind. This ended tonight. She was done being lead on, done with not being cared about. The was fucking over it.

She saw Katya standing in the kitchen, refilling her cup and talking with some girls that Trixie knew as the “new friends”.

“We need to talk. Outside. Now.” Trixie said, trying to hold her ground. Katya giggled when she saw her.

“Hi babydoll, what’s up? Did you miss me?” the girl asked, her words slightly slurred. Trixie grabbed her arm.

“We’re going outside. Come on.”

Trixie led Katya outside, looking for a place that wasn’t infested with horny, drunk teenagers and that no drunk girls had thrown up in. She settled on the driveway of the house that tonight’s party was being held at.

“What are we out here for, baby? The party’s in there. Did you miss me too much, doll? Couldn’t wait?” Katya teased. Trixie’s face burned red as her fists clenched in anger.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Katya? You can’t just lead me on like this! You can’t fucking do that! You know how I feel, and I’m fucking over it.”

Katya frowned.

“Baby, I know you don’t mean that. Come here, okay?” Katya responded. Trixie felt tears stinging her eyes, but moved closer to Katya, who leaned in.

_Kiss me in the seat of your rover_

_Real sweet but I wish you were sober_

The night ended with the two of them making out, again. Nothing changed, of course. Trixie drove a drunk Katya home, who would ignore her in the morning. She drove home with a feeling of emptiness in her chest. Like her heart had been ripped out _again_ , a fresh wound replacing what had just begun to heal over.

  
If she didn’t have anything, at least she had these nights. _Maybe that was all she deserved_ , she thought. _Maybe this was all she needed. She didn’t need anything else. She could survive._


End file.
